Sistering: Power and Change in Female Relationships
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Therapist: And how are you the apple with Arlene? When you said you are the apple that does not fall far from the tree, you do act like your dad in that distant, tortured, crippled mood. Stuck with your emotions. Do you relate to Arlene in the same way as your dad The wounded prince 33 Danny: Therapist: related to your mom? How are you the same?
How are you different?. Long silence. As Danny looks at each parent, he can see the pattern of his behaviour. What would she be likely to do? What would I expect her to do? She probably would have had her head chopped off a few times by now.
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By moving the focus towards Arlene, the therapist is inviting Danny to begin thinking about the effect of his coercive dependency on his wife. Danny is not a man without a conscience, but he does feel entitled to the behaviour of an 34 Gillian Walker and Virginia Goldner emotional cripple. And then he made you feel safe. Holds back tears. I have such mixed feelings about him. That we hardly ever knew each other except for those times.
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Those catastrophic times for you. I mean not that I hate him — my memories of him were harsh except for those moments, you know when I — he was there for me. He was there for me like a rock — with all the abuse, I have a very warm place in my heart for him. Last time you talked about always having to please somebody in order to be loved. The strongest thread in my life. I always feel I have to please everybody to be loved.
But then you put this to a test. You went to him as a complete fuck up. What did you find out? That I still had a father and a home. Like a big test. You had to go through this trial and come out the other side. The therapist now turns to Arlene to learn of her experience of the session. And looking at this I could relax.
You mean the impasse of Danny being so stuck. So paralysed? Scared because. Alright, so today you sat back and relaxed. I watched you throw the ball back at Danny — If you had done that what would have happened? Fill the holes. I come out with things. And then I just retreat.
Arlene now begins to explore the gender themes which will be central to her therapy: her belief that she is responsible for healing Danny in order to make the relationship work, the extent to which her sense of identity is tied up with her success or failure in this role, her fear that if she is not needed by Danny in this way, she will have no value to him and he will leave her, etc.
Later in the therapy, we have a session with Arlene, her mother and her daughter to explore the way in which the women in all three generations operate with these premises, to their detriment and to the detriment of their relationships with each other. The therapist ends the interview by tying together the themes of the session in a final challenge.
Arlene: What you said reminds me of everything we go through with those episodes when there is violence attached to it. If he hurts me, then he can feel really shitty. He started talking to me. And we just talked for four days! A new explanation is in place which underlines the powerful bond between this couple and the peculiar role that violence has come to play in it.
Arlene was encouraged to continue to play out the role of the passively nurturing mother in order to see if and how she could affect his moods. When the couple returned, there had been no violence but both partners enacted their roles to the hilt. Arlene described her devoted efforts to lift Danny out of his moods, a task that was made more difficult by the presence of both her daughter and his daughter.
Her happiness with the children was predicated on her being able to get Danny into a better mood. The consultant joins the conversation at this point. I feel I need to be needed.
That you have no control over the outcome. But if I am not important to him, it feeds on an insecurity in me. It makes me more special because I went through this hell with him over and over and over. When we first went together he always told me that the reason he loved me was that I was always there for him. And the things we do together, all the things which make us the couple we are? Where did you learn that idea that you define yourself by your usefulness to your spouse? From my parents, subconsciously at least.
I would see my mother and my father. My mother was there for my father, always there, needing to be needed. Her whole life revolves around my father.
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Can he act like Danny? Moody like Danny? If you were to discuss this idea with your mother, that you have no worth outside your usefulness to Danny, what would she say?
She would relate to that. But she would be afraid to tell me to be different because if I came to her and said things are bad between us, it would make her upset. She tells me how abusive my father is to her. Emotionally, verbally. Does she fight back? At times.
Sistering: power and change in female relationships
Do you fight back more than she does? What goes into your decision to fight more? I hate her as my role model. I hate her for being in the situation she is in. I love her as my mother but I wish I could have had a really strong individual woman role model. Part of you fights and the other part acquiesces. When do you feel closer to your mother, when you fight or when you acquiesce?
I would have said the same thing. She is always angry at her mother. Therapist: Who loses the most in this arrangement, the kids or Danny, when you are in the middle trying to make everyone happy? Both thought she would say the kids. Arlene explains that Danny suffers emotionally when threatened with the loss of centrality, but the children have already learned to defer their expectations. Therapist: The kids lose you then because you are most attached to Danny?
Arlene: Definitely. Consultant: Which one of you would have the most difficulty giving up the idea that Arlene could fix things and make them better? Danny: I guess me and I guess her reaction would be to agree with me.
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